13: Stop, drop and tooch.

Tyra has a way of involving the contestants on ANTM with whatever the hell is going on in her own life.

Tyra wants to become pop star? You’re the ho dancing in her music video.

Tyra launches a beauty line? You sell that fiercely real pot ledom booch blue countour for your abs (or something, who even knows?)

Tyra goes swimming? You’re going swimming.

In season 18 Tyra was all about her book ‘Modelland’. I’ve read this book and I know Tyra doesn’t drink, so the only explanation I have for its existence is that she thought of the narrative of the book in a fever dream.

In Modelland there are these things called ‘intoxabella’s’, to me that sounds like terrible evil demons, but it’s actually supposed to be a good thing.

In episode 3 of season 18 (British invasion), Tyra decided to give the girls ‘superpowers’ just like these ‘intoxabella’s’ have. None of these are actually powers, most are just adjectives with some stuff added…

Or oddly hyphenated adjectives…

Or nonsense…

Or stripper names…

My favourite one of these has got to be, ‘Next-doorsia’ which she gave to Kyle, Which I just think just means ‘basic’.

Fair game Tyra.

I feel like this season more than the contestants were getting a little.. subversive. I don’t actually get why though because none of them got hit 4 feet off a runway by a giant metal swinging pendulum or anything.

A prime example of this resistance was with Louise, I’m sorry I mean ‘Chameeleoné’. She left because Kelly Cuntrone was being rude to her.

Oh, by the way, did you know what Kelly did after Louise left the show? She recorded this:

If someone ever claims that people grow wise with age, show them this clip.  Kelly has the personality of an angry pre-teen ready to terrorise middle school with her insecurity-driven bitchiness. Seriously lady how can you be that immature?

Anyway, not only Louise was disgruntled, contestant Eboni also wasn’t happy.

Eboni got the superpower name ’30 never’, which Tyra gave her because she’d look like she’d never turn 30, I guess. The thing was that Eboni was 18, so shouldn’t you give that nickname to someone who’s actually 30? or over 30? or at least over 20?

Anyway, because Tyra thought Eboni looked incredibly young she decided to force her to wear pigtails, like a six year old girl in a park.

During the season, Eboni, being an adult woman and all, got fed up with her to-catch-a-predator pigtails.

Speaking of which, that would have made for a much better super power…

I feel they missed and opportunity here.

To punish Eboni for not wearing her pigtails Tyra had her burned with a curling iron. Gosh, Tyra can be such an intoxabella, oh no wait, that was a good thing.

If you’ve watched season 18 we’re heading towards the best part of the season.

No, not when they invited some rednecks to make racist comments about them.

I’m not sure that this man is aware he is on TV.

Fun fact, this ‘gentleman’ did really like Next-doorsia. You have now learned they have Next-doorsia’s in trailer parks.


Anyway, guys, it’s time to ‘Stop, Drop and Tooch’.

This week the girls had to compete in rival girl groups and record music videos about their butts.

The American song involved doing whatever this somehow:

Not that the british song was much better, it was called ‘We’ll Mash You Up’, which frankly sounds like a terrible pun in a cook book.

Catherine somehow made her name rhyme with Queen, so that’s quite an accomplishment.


But American Seymone noted she had an issue with her verse, which I don’t get because it is just straight up poetry:

“Hey girl, hey I’m Seymone, and I ain’t no clone”

She mentions that she didn’t use words like ‘ain’t’ or double negatives in her speech. Careful now Seymone, you know how mad Tyra gets when she thinks people don’t ‘act their race’.

Except when Tyra tells you to be a different race of course.

In the end Seymone didn’t get into any trouble, and that is because of what transpired earlier that week. The songs were going to be about tooching (the act of sticking out your behind), so Tyra coached them through this complex task.

The girls had to put fake foam butts in their underwear, because how else could you train sticking out your butt?

I am not making this shit up. Here is Tyra checking to see if everyone put their foam butts in correctly:

Androgynous model AzMarie (at the end there) had an issue with wearing a foam diaper that made her ass look bigger to practice sticking it out. I personally like to refer to her as AssMarie, because of irony, but also just because I really want to.

While I get AssMarie’s personal objection with the foam diaper, she should be aware (by now) that ANTM throws you these, perhaps less than relevant tasks your way. But she knew what you signed up for. The chalice is filled with what liquid Tyra wants and you better drink that shit.

So put in your foam butt, get in that giant greek salad with huge blocks of feta and get hit of the runway by a giant pendulum. Give it your all. It’s more fun for us.

While her adventure on ANTM ended this episode, AssMarie did date Raven-Symoné after the show, so she well… I don’t really know what that gets her.

That was it for entry 13!



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